The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot
by n1ghtw-ng
Summary: "...and losing her was possibly the most idiotic thing I had ever done." Ash reflects on the loss of his first love, and how everyday he wishes for her back. rated T for minor swears i guess


**hey guys! so this is something that's been in my brain for awhile now and i've really wanted to write this. it's only my second song fic so i hope it's alright, haha. if you've never given a listen to the boy who blocked his own shot by brand new i would recommend you do before reading, you'll understand why the verses are broken up the way they are. **

**ALSO**

**new pen name, taken from my favorite fireworks song, summer!**

**so now**

**r&r!**

* * *

><p><strong><em>The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot<em>**

_If it makes you less sad_

_I will die by your hand_

_Hope you find out what you are_

_Already know what I am_

She had her sights set on a boy. A boy who she kept close to her heart no matter how many times he broke it. She stuck out all the painful, sleepless nights, and she would wake up the next day with the hope he would return her feelings he had yet to notice. Too bad he was so focused on a title he still has yet to obtain. A shame really. Now everyday he beats himself up over the fact he lost the only girl to ever want to love him. Knowing her, growing to love her, missing out on every damn opportunity she threw at him. God was he stupid.

And that stupid boy was me.

_And if it makes you less sad_

_We'll start talking again_

_You can tell me how vile_

_I already know that I am_

What could I have possibly done? I didn't realize I was her poison. She constantly kept coming back for more even after she left. Phone calls and visits and the occasional letters that must have kept her hopes about my returned feelings alive. Maybe when she did stop writing to me or making the first call then did I realize how dense I actually was. I was so idiotic, so dimwitted, not to see what I had until it had vanished from my eyes. Now it's almost like she is my poison, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth everytime someone brings up her name. Although I can imagine it will never compare to the venomous covering I left on her heart.

_I'll grow old_

_Start acting my age_

_It'll be a brand new day_

_In a life that you hate_

Was it growing up that snapped me into this start of eternal curiosity? Is that was could have possibly made my brain snap into such a critical way of thinking? Or maybe it was the few conversations that I had with Brock and Tracey which jabbed at old feelings and constant memories. Tracey had mentioned that she used to visit Pallet Town at any given opportunity. However, that's all he's ever mentioned on the subject. The only few times I've ever dared to ask more questions he would get rather quiet and change the subject. I guess that's all he knew, or maybe that's all I have the right to know.

_A crown of gold_

_A heart that's harder than stone_

_It hurts to hold on_

_But it's missed when it's gone_

Boy do I sure miss seeing that smiling face every morning. I miss her fiery hair that matched that temper of hers. I miss those captivating cerulean eyes that could read me like an open book. I miss the way she would speak and how she could capture my attention without me even noticing. I miss when she would let her hair out of it's natural side ponytail for me and only me. I miss her snide remarks about everything, which she always made because she was so angry at the world. I miss the little things she'd say to make my day instantly brighter. I miss her traveling with me and watching the look on someone's face when they realized she was with me. I just wish I knew why she used to miss me so much. I'm nothing that special.

_And if it makes you less sad_

_I'll move out of the state_

_You can keep to yourself_

_I'll keep out of your way_

We don't talk anymore. I don't make any attempts to tell her when I'm going to be home. I think it'd hurt her too much. Or maybe it'd just hurt me but don't I deserve to be hurt? Don't I deserve to be the one forced to stay away because I caused her so much pain? Maybe, maybe not. I don't want to risk any accidental encounters with her though so I'll just keep on with my travels. I haven't thought about stepping foot in Cerulean City since our last yelling match. My mom and the professor keep saying we should go visit, maybe see one of the famous Sensational Sister's Water Ballets. Everytime I decline, and I always will. I don't think my heart could handle seeing her happy without me.

_And if it makes you less sad_

_I'll take your pictures all down_

_Every picture you paint_

_I will paint myself out._

In a box locked away in the back of my mind is exactly where I want her. It's where I keep the memories of her smile, her laugh, her eyes, her temper, her hair, her voice, everything and anything that has to do with her stays right there. A constant question that refuses to stay in this box is if she thinks about me. Does she ponder on the thought of what if I noticed her feelings back then? Does she still wish I had? Are her memories kept hidden? Or do they roam free? Does she remember the bad times like when we had to go our separate ways? Or do the pleasant times like our first dance together at Maiden's Peak still show up to make her remember I am a part of her.

_It's cold as a tomb_

_It's dark in your room_

_When I sneak to your bed_

_To pour salt in your wounds_

I can recall the only time I ever called her. It was a few months after she cut me off. I remember hurting, and needing just to hear her voice. Getting a center before they closed was tough enough, but calling and trying to get her eldest sister Daisy to pass on the phone, that was a nightmare. She didn't want to forward the call. I remember begging and begging until finally my call was sent to the phone she had in her room. Her room was dark, the only source of light being from the windows which were hidden away with curtains. I heard her shush someone before acknowledging my virtual presence. She was shocked to see I had called, but seemed almost angry. I tried getting her to talk but she wouldn't answer anything with more than three words. After a few more minutes she claimed she had to go and hung up rather abruptly.

If I would have known who was there with her that day, I would have never called.

_So call it quits_

_Or get a grip_

_You say you wanted a solution_

_You just wanted to be missed_

I believe she maybe thought it was a game; me constantly missing her. It was her way of problem solving. I don't have any reasons to blame her. After all, I am the one who threw her away. I never stepped in and fought for her to stay with me, I never made calls when I went to Sinnoh and Unova and Kalos. Everything she wanted was what I seemed to lack in, and everything she perfected was too go for me. The only good thing I could ever do was push her away and give her all the reason to fall for the wrong guy.

_You are calm and reposed_

_Let your beauty unfold_

_Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones_

My mind can only remember that single moment I saw her last. The Pokemon League was holding their annual gala. I remember seeing her, and her eyes meeting mine. She held herself together like a staple holding two pieces of paper, close and compact but could easily be torn apart in seconds. Her hair had grown out from the natural shoulder length I was used to. It was longer now, and curled to perfection as it sat pinned to one side. Her eyes were traced over with black eyeliner, causing the cerulean color of them to pop out even more. God it drove me crazy, the way she could light up a room with just being there. The black, skin tight dress hit every part of her figure as if it was made specially for her. I didn't know how she managed to look so angelic, but damn did she.

_Spring keeps you ever close_

_You are secondhand smoke_

_You are so fragile and thin_

_Standing trial to your sins_

Backing down was something she didn't know how to do. Her head was held high with a bright smile and a twinkle in her eyes that I hadn't seen in years. I felt my heart throb from inside my chest. It hurt. No, hurt doesn't even begin to describe it. My heart ached. At that moment I didn't care if I were to never achieve the title of Pokemon Master, all I wanted was her in my arms. Her petite waist with my arms wrapped around it tight holding her close to me. I want to nuzzle my face into the crook of her neck and hear the sweet sound of her giggle. I want to show her off to the world as my girl, and I want every guy to has ever even thought about feelings for her to be completely and utterly jealous. I think she knew just how good she looked that night, and I can say I believe she played that to remind me of everything I had lost.

_Holding onto yourself the best you can_

_You are the smell before rain_

_You are the blood in my veins_

That single staple that held her together never broke. Keeping her composure must have taken everything she held inside. Actually seeing her had made my life worth living again. I just wish I didn't have to see her with someone else, because I swear to Arceus if she had been alone we would have been alone together. Composing herself around me, I wonder how much self control that took from her. Does she realize how much self control it took me to not go and pry her from the arms of him? Does she? No, she doesn't, and she never will. She could honestly care less about what I have to say because lets face it, I broke her. I killed her heart, threw it on the ground, shattered it, and in the process did the same to my own. Now I'm just some kid who got in too deep with feelings and I'll have to teach myself how to love all over again.

_Call me a safe bet_

_I'm betting I'm not_

_Glad that you can forgive_

_Only hoping as time goes, you can forget_

I am in no way safe for anyone. I come and go, I remember and I forget, I place titles before friends, I love and lose. I'm just a jumble of mixed up and messed up that needs to grow up. The question is though, will she forgive me? Will the only girl I've ever cared about show me the smallest ounce of attention after I ignored her for so long?

I doubt it.

Maybe one day we can talk again, and we can forgive, and we can forget. Maybe one day I'll be happy for her, and she'll stop giving me a cold shoulder. I just hope above all, one day I will be given the chance to show Misty Waterflower that I, deep down, have always loved her.

_fin._


End file.
